20 Aralık 2022

A Refined Woman – Sebastian


I felt restless in my temporary bed. I found it hard to sleep in Lukes mothers home. We were almost done with fixing the fence lines, the rest of the property was tidied up already and she could finally sell. I could be heading home even tomorrow. But I still had this night to survive.

I wasn’t ready for Lukes mother to be so… desirable. And I thanked whoever there was to thank for that she was feeling unwell and was mostly out of my sight. For a woman who had to be nearly twenty years older than me, she was just… beautiful. The way she moved around, how she held herself and the doe eyed look she had when she first saw me was burned to my skull.

I pulled my joggers on, deciding to have a late night smoke and hoped that that’ll put me to sleep. One more night.

Making my way downstairs, I found Elisabeth out on the porch, standing in the light of the full moon.

I sighed at the sight of her as I made my way out. Just a cigarette and back to bed and away from her. It wasn’t like I had somewhere else to smoke.

It still surprised me that Luke had asked me to come help him. I hadn’t thought much of it to begin with, yeah I grew up on a ranch and so on, but the moment I saw his family portrait from twenty or so years ago, I wondered if he’d ever realised that it wasn’t just him I had interchangeable quantities with.

The only differences me and Luke had was our complexion – roughly speaking. But take away all the colours, my tattoos and scars, ignore the dramatically different eyes – we’d be interchangeable.

But looking at his late father was like looking at myself in a different dimension, a dimension where I never got on the “wrong” path, never started living my anger out in underground fights nor tried to control my every emotion with a corresponding drug. A clean version of me – not that I wanted to be that version. I was very fine with where I was standing and the road I’d taken there.

I stood a good few meters away from her on the porch, not to disturb her with my smoking, and lit up my good night cigarette. Just a smoke next to a woman I couldn’t say no to and off to bed. It wasn’t like a woman like her would be after a man like me anyway.

She looked very fine for a woman of her age. Only her graying blonde hair and laugh lines near her eyes hinted that she was over fifty, otherwise she looked at least ten years younger than she was.

Her silk robe complimented her shortish slender body well – how her body ever carried a child, who grew up to be a man of Lukes (or my) size, was beyond me. Though I never understood the ‘having children’ thing, it just wasn’t for me.

She stood there silent, immobile for the first half of my smoke, hands crossed at her chest, her look directed at the almost full moon. She was beautiful to say the least. I didn’t even remember the last time I thought of a woman as beautiful. Usually they were just meant for pleasure, that’s all. And that’s what they wanted from me, a quick rough fuck, that’s who I was to them and I just gave them what they wanted.

“You look just like my late husband,” she said with a soft voice as she turned to me, breaking the silence between us, “so similar that you could be his twin, yet so different.” she noted, confirming my own suspicions on the question in hand.

So I guessed that door was open now, but I’d be damned if I’d be the one stepping over the threshold. Luke was my only friend who was just my friend, no conditions, no baggage. Even as he was gay, but what the hell, he was more of a man then most of them out there.

“Is that why you’ve been feeling down?” I rather stated than asked as I watched my exhaled smoke dissipate into the nights air, remembering how lively she’d been when she greeted Luke, just until the very moment she laid her eyes on me.

“He was about your age when he died. It feels like looking at a ghost. Even if you are so different.” she spoke walking to me, standing less than a metre from me, looking me up and down. Studying me as if there was something to learn from me. I couldn’t remember the last time I felt anxious, it was an odd feeling for me, so I just took another good puff of my smoke as she studied me.

“I haven’t had a night as difficult since the day he died.” she softly muttered as she looked back at the moon.

“Why is that?” I asked exhaling smoke, directing the stream away from her.

“We always cherished moonlight nights. We’d stand here, wait for Luke to fall asleep.” she explained looking away from me and turned her eyes back to me – Luke definitely had her eyes and complexion, but that was almost all.

“He’d smoke,” she continued, “he only smoked before bed.” She raised her arm to caress my cheek, “Kiss me with his smoky lips…” she said as her eyes locked with mine and full of desire.

She was no woman to take advantage of, no, she was a refined woman who knew what she wanted. She could be my mother and even have a few years to spare. I took the last puff of my smoke and put it out in the ashtray as her escort izmit hand still rested on me.

“Is this what you’re asking for Elisabeth?” I asked as I leaned down, gently cupping her face and kissed her lips lightly, making her body shiver under my touch. Fuck, why’d she have to be so responsive?

“Please…” she whispered, putting her gentle lips back on mine and kissing me like she’d waited years to do so. I was no man to deny her. Kissing her back, I held her up to my chest from her waist. Our tongues lashed and lips caressed, a few soft whimpers escaping her throat.

She was an elegant woman, there was nothing tasteless about her. Even the way she touched me, her hands holding me with envyable grace.

I lowered her, breaking our kiss and looked her in the eye. Her silver eyes shone back at me, glazed with lust. I stroked my hand over her face as she followed my touch with her head. “You can have me until you fall asleep, no more, no less.” I told her, knowing far too well that even that was too much. I rarely cared about boundaries, but Luke was a good friend and I was probably everything but at that moment.

She pulled me in her arms again, her eyes on mine and ran her hands up and down my back, gliding over my butt and upper thighs. I was throbbing hard against her, I couldn’t remember the last time I was that hard for anyone. I pulled open the tie holding her robe together, letting it fall open between us.

She kissed me eagerly, but she wasn’t a woman I wanted to rush, it might be the only time in my life I could have someone and something so beautiful. I shushed her to slow down and kissed her slow, pushing the robe off of her shoulders and pulling the band off of her braided hair, combing the strands loose with my fingers.

She whimpered as I kissed down her neck and caressed her naked body. Her breasts were still perky regardless of her age and having had a child. She nuzzled her head against my shoulder as I kissed her collarbones – her panted breath brushing against my neck.

Her hand found its way into my pants and she took me in her hand, stroking her palm up and down on me, her fingers fondling my balls. How sweet her touch was. I pulled her lips back on mine, making her squirm against me and broke away from her to rid myself of my pants.

We stood naked in front of each other, having a quick look over our partner. She was indeed a mighty fine woman. And I wondered if she’d ever seen anyone as scarred and inked as I was. Wanted to know how long it had been since anyone touched that beautiful body of hers, but that was no question to ask a lady. Twenty years if she never moved on from her husband. Wondered if she ever only had him. She still wore his ring.

I kissed her again, gliding my hand over the round of her butt. She took that hand and guided me to touch her between her legs. She was dripping wet for me and I needn’t to be told twice. I kissed her to the bed, laying her down on her back. She wrapped her legs around mine, pulling me to her. I caressed her cheek as I looked into her lusty eyes. She closed them and ran hands over my body, spending time with her ghost for all I knew.

“You’re a lovely woman Ellie.” I whispered to her and ran my fingers over her cheek.

She moaned softly as I slowly entered her, keeping her eyes shut.

Yes, it’s not me she wanted at all and I didn’t mind one bit. It was always someone else they wanted, I was just a means to pretend that they had what they wanted for that little time we had.

I made love to her soft and slow, kissing her everywhere I could possibly reach. Made out with the nipples that my friend grew up on, the shoulders that carried the weight of her life and her sweet neck where every little kiss made her whimper and squirm.

Pulling my legs under me, I pulled her into my lap, embracing her to my body and loved her deeper. She rested her head on my shoulder, kissing my neck every now and then and cried to my ear. God, I’d even call her cries elegant.

I raised us a little, giving myself a better thrusting angle and definition. Her cries spoke directly to my groin, forcing me to move closer and closer to the inevitable end, but I wouldn’t go there without her, no, not with this woman.

I leaned her back, giving me access to her breasts, I sucked on them viciously, making her gasp from the sensation.

She was shivering over her body, getting closer to her beautiful orgasm.

I wondered if she came as refined as everything else about her.

She nudged my head with hers, inviting me to kiss her. I kissed her like her mouth was mine for the taking, like her entire body was something I had a right to.

Grabbing her hair, I made her eyes meet mine, desperate to see her soul. Her eyes looked so beautiful, so lustful and willing.

She struggled to be vocal as I looked into her eyes.

Was it because it was not me who she wanted or because it scared her that it was me who she wanted?

I put my lips back on hers and she was alive izmit escort again, whimpering and moaning between my kisses. I kissed and nuzzled her shoulders and neck, moving her silvering hair out of the way. She met my moves with profound eagerness, giving me access anywhere I wanted, softly moaning my name, not her late husbands as I’d expected, as if it was a chant.

She asked for my lips again, her tongue finding mine, cried moans escaping her throat. Her body arched and contracted against mine as she cried in my mouth. Breaking away from the kiss, I released myself in her, pushing deep into her, arching my back, groaning from satisfaction, feeling as if years worth of tension was released from me.

She really came as beautiful as the rest of her.

I leaned her back on her back as soon as my body allowed it and rested on top of her, catching my breath.

We laid still for minutes. No words, just our ragged breaths turning normal and our rapid heart beats slowly calming.

“Oh, Sebastian…” she murmured, her hands still in the same position as minutes ago.

I didn’t say anything. She might have had been with me, not the ghost. I raised my head to look at her and she put her lips back on mine. She kissed me calm, running her fingers through my hair. “Will you hold me until I fall asleep?” she asked me gazing sweetly into my eyes. Her voice was so beautiful and her wish so innocent. I would have fallen in love with this woman if I didn’t know any better. I’d never loved a woman before.

I couldn’t find words to tell her, so I just layed down on my back, and pulled her head to my chest, embracing her body. I combed her hair with my fingers and kissed her forehead as she trailed her fingers on the outlines of my chest tattoos, commenting that they were beautiful.

I chucked over her words in my head. I didn’t even really remember getting half of my artworks. I had been too high. With the other half I was high on different things that made me remember too well. Luckily I had had a good taste in art when I was high, regardless if I remembered it or not.

I still couldn’t seem to speak, not without causing damage at least, and just kissed her on the lips softly, holding her from her chin. “Good night Ellie.” was all I could say. There were many other things I wanted to tell her, but I couldn’t.

I couldn’t say what an amazing woman she was, how everything about her was beautiful, how sweet and lovable she was and how I’d worship her body as much as she ever let me. How I’d protect her from everyone and everything if she’d only let me.

But she was no woman for me. I was no decent man – I had men, women, together, alone and everything in between and I didn’t even like men, I just liked to see them beg and submit for me. My actions could be described as vile by a woman like her. Not to mention that she was the mother of my friend. No matter how good of a friend, no one would like a man like me near their mother, sister or daughter.

So I just held her in my arms, kissing her head every now and then, waiting for her to fall asleep. She laid still in my embrace her breathing slowly turning deep and her heart rate slowing. The way her breath sighed with every exhale was yet again as sweet as everything about her.

Finding her sound asleep, I carefully removed myself from under her, replacing my shoulder swiftly with a pillow under her head. Tidying the duvet on her, I gave her the last kiss I should ever give her and pulled my pants back on before sneaking out of her room.

I went for my second good night smoke and had to curse myself. Luke would not be happy. But I couldn’t bring myself to regret my actions. The night had been beautiful and I behaved so respectfully that it would shock all my past lovers.

No this was nothing to regret.

I finished my smoke and made my way back upstairs, ducking myself in my bed for the second time and played the night in my head again and again until sleep took over me.

I woke later than I usually did, my morning glory worse than usual. I dressed and started to make my way downstairs. By the sounds of it Luke was already awake, his music playing over the living room downstairs.

I stopped at Elisabeths doorway. I’d started this respectfully, I should end it respectfully as well.

I knocked lightly.

“Yes?” Came the answer from inside. I didn’t want to draw any attention with answering and just let myself in, closing the door behind my back. She blushed crimson as she saw me.

“Elisabeth…” was all I said. She looked as beautiful as ever, a simple pullover and pants looking undeniably tasteful on her body.

“It’s over now, isn’t it?” she asked, sitting on the edge of the bed, facing away from me.

“Yes.” I said sitting next to her.

“Do you regret it?” she asked faintly.

“No, it was a beautiful night.” I said with my words being the understatement of the year, but I couldn’t and I knew it.

“It was.”

“Should I tell Luke?” izmit kendi evi olan escort I asked as I wondered if I ruined the only relationship in my life that was so simply pure. Not that I’d have to worry about that as a dead man.

“No. Only if you really have to.” she said deep in thought.

“I see no reason why I should.”

“You’re a true gentleman Sebastian.” she said raising her hand to my cheek, but I grabbed it mid move. I couldn’t have her touching me.

“I hope you don’t ever have to find out the man I really am.” I said as coldly as I could and set her hand back down, “I believe it’s best if I leave today and not come back.”

“I really want to say no.” she noted sadly.

“But you can’t.” I stated as emotionlessly as I could.

“No, no I can’t.”

“It was a beautiful night Elisabeth.”

“It really was.”

“Goodbye Ellie.” I said as I stood up and kissed her head, not stopping for a second before leaving.

“Goodbye Sebastian…” she sighed as she looked after me as I left, or so I believed.

It hurt me more than it should, but I really was no man to her. I shared a bed with a couple, my own bosses, fucking them back and forth, I went through more women than I should and not to mention how I liked to have them.

Elisabeth was the only woman I ever really had made love to instead of cold fucking. No, she deserved a real gentleman, someone who really was the man I’d been last night.

I told Luke that I’d be going after fixing the last of the fences, not even bothering with finding an excuse. Luckily he didn’t question me for a second and I really had been out there purely to help him with the fences anyhow.

We finished the last of our project in a few hours and Luke sent some of his belongings back to town with me.

I saw Elisabeth looking after me as I got my rental ready to leave. She stood still in her window, but was too far for me to make out any emotions from her face.

It was better like that anyhow.

Even months later, on a night when my mind could have been on anything else, like the new menu John had me working on or that something was definitely going on in the restaurant, but John and Kath weren’t telling – I laid in bed awake, thinking of sweet Ellie.

It had been three months. How many people I had been with, but only she haunted my nights. Her gentle touches and beautiful voice… how she cooed my name when I was fully expecting to hear her late husbands. She was a stunningly sweet, elegant woman.

The next morning I woke up to see a document envelope slid in from under the door. Nothing written on it. I opened it up to see promotion papers inside. They were making me head chef and they’d step back from the restaurants everyday work.

It was what I wanted. I just never thought John would be giving me his position any time soon. It really was what I wanted, but that only seemed to make me more frustrated.

It should have been all I wanted.

I remembered the day John got his promotion papers back in Australia ten years ago, like for me, it had been his dream. It was supposed to be all he wanted, he would have been the youngest awarded chef in the country, but he had stared at them like they were his own death certificate.

Champagne was opened and he just pulled me to the dry storage, told me to get clean. I tried to deny it, but he listed me all the pills I’d taken in the last week and he knew them better than I did. He gave the papers to me, not that I’d gotten the position in the end, and just walked out of the kitchen and got on the first plane to go after Kath.

I hadn’t understood him. He barely knew the girl. A bloody backpacker. Though he’d fucked up his life.

And here I was, wanting to send the papers through the shredder, like they hadn’t mattered one bit, like it wouldn’t have been a crazy good offer.

My phone had a workgroup email declaring David as the new general manager after his three week ‘gaycation’ with Luke as Kathrine named it. They were both stepping back.

Ellie hadn’t sold her estate yet, had she? Surely Luke would have mentioned. Suddenly I felt the urge to see her. See if I’d been dreaming of a fantasy or a real woman. If she really was the most elegant and beautiful woman I’d laid my eyes and hands on. If she really had wanted me to stay.

I took a cab to Lukes house and lent his truck that he so thoughtfully had allowed me to use when needed. He definitely would kill me.

I turned off my phone and spent the next five hours on the road, ignoring all speed limits on every stretch of road that allowed it. And there I was, having no idea what the hell I was doing. She came out to the porch, seeing over who her surprise visitor was. Her face was frozen as she saw me. Damn, I drove five hours knowing exactly my goal and I couldn’t get out of the car?

I forced myself out and to the first steps of the porch. “Sebastian, what…?” she asked confused, worried even.

I just laughed nervously and sat down on the bottom step of the stairs. “I just drove here five hours and now I don’t know what to say.”

She stood there frozen, her eyes fixated on mine. We were there in silence as she didn’t answer me, not that I’d asked a question.

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