I’ve known I was bisexual for as long as I can remember. That being said I didn’t exactly embrace it, in fact I’ve rebelled against it, reprimanding myself whenever I thought about girls in a way that wouldn’t be considered normal. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to literally shake my head to get rid of how attractive I thought a girl was or how badly I wanted to kiss her. But by the time I was fifteen I had actually gotten pretty good control over myself. I know that seems odd, adolescence is typically the time when hormones run rampant and that’s when people usually start to question their sexuality, but for me I had practiced keeping myself in check for so long that I didn’t need to consciously do it anymore. So I went through most of high school with little to worry about, I even had a boyfriend and few flings here and there. Going into college I was confident I had put my attraction to the fairer sex in the past and was ready to start actually doing something with my life. The only problem was Bethany.
* * * *
I met her during freshman orientation and we hit if off pretty fast. She even lived in the same dorm building as me so I was always down in her room and I quickly became friends with her roommate Emma and the boy who lived next door too. We hung out constantly for the first few weeks and eventually became inseparable. Whenever we weren’t at class we were exploring campus together or watching movies or going to parties on the weekends. It wasn’t until about a month in that I started to notice that I felt differently when I hung out with just Bethany than when we all hung out as a group and or when I hung out with just Emma or just Trent. It wasn’t even like I felt attracted to her I just felt like we had known each other for a long time and understood each other on a deeper level and as a result I felt safer around her. So I found myself looking forward to the times when I knew the other two would be busy and made sure to go downstairs to see what she was up to.
One of those times I had let myself into the room (they usually leave their door open and if it isn’t they still leave it unlocked) and looked for Bethany but soon noticed I could hear the shower so I laid on the couch and started watching TV. Criminal Minds was on as we all have a love of crime shows but I had already seen the episode before and found it harder to concentrate when I knew Bethany was naked and wet just a wall away from me. For the first time in years I had thought about a girl in a sexual way and I hadn’t even noticed I was doing it until I heard the shower stop. I panicked and ran out of the room, not stopping until I got back to my dorm and locked the door behind me.
What the hell? I thought to myself as I went over the events that had just occurred. How many times have you been there while she’s been in the shower before? More than once that’s for sure so why does it matter now? I got over this a long time ago, what changed?
I pondered that question for the rest of the night and when she texted me asking if I wanted to watch Mama Mia with her I told her I had to do homework. That wasn’t entirely a lie, I did have a paper to write for my biology class, but there was no way I was going to be able to focus on the reproductive cycle of angiosperms when I was so worked up over my own reproductive concerns.
I fretted about it for another few hours going over every possible excuse for my behavior.
I haven’t hooked up with anyone in months.
I’m in between cycles so it’s that mega-horny week (you know what I’m talking about).
Who wouldn’t think of her that way? She’s hot it’s natural to be attracte– no! Don’t do that it’s not normal, you’re a girl too.
But the thing is she is hot, she’s got chestnut brown hair that falls down just past her shoulders, a face that’s more sexy bahçeşehir escort than cute with caramel colored eyes that I’ve never seen on anyone else before. She’s the same height as me, we both stand at 5’8″, but I’m more athletically built with small boobs whereas she’s got more of a figure. I would guess she’s got a size 36B chest and has a perfectly round ass which is most likely the result of her years of being a dancer who also regularly does yoga. I honestly never thought much of her physical attributes besides the initial observations when I first met her but that night I couldn’t stop thinking about every little detail and I was surprised at how much I could recall. This only frustrated me more though and I tossed and turned all night, trying to convince myself I was straight while simultaneously trying to get a decent night’s sleep.
* * * *
The next morning I woke up at 7 am which was uncharacteristically early for me seeing as I am not a morning person but I had given up trying to sleep at that point. I’m sure I looked like hell all day, I didn’t even bother to put any makeup on and I wore my pajamas to class which consisted of a faded red wings t-shirt and a pair of shorts that had paint on them from when I went through my aspiring artist phase. By the time I was done with class I had actually organized my thoughts and decided that the reason I had slipped was because I was lonely. I even decided on a plan to fix it; this weekend was Halloween and we were going to giant house party that night so all I had to do was find a guy, have some meaningless sex and then bam! I’d be back to normal.
The rest of the week I still avoided hanging out with Bethany but I isolated myself from everyone else too telling them I was sick and didn’t want them to catch it too so it wouldn’t seem suspicious. The day before the party I hung out with my friends for the first time in days so they would think I was feeling better and by the day of the party I was ready to find myself a hot guy that I could use for my own purposes.
“Ready to go?” Emma asked us as we put the finishing touches on our costumes. We had decided to go as the four ninja turtles; I was Leonardo since my favorite color was blue and Bethany was Michaelangelo since hers was orange and we refused to be any other colors. Emma and Adam didn’t really care though so they were Donatello and Raphael respectively.
“Yup! Let’s do this” Bethany slurred, she had already had a few pre-party shots and was clearly going to be having a heavy night of drinking.
“Alright lead the way Raphael!” I proclaimed as I struck a pose that indicated I was ready and he responded by striking a pose with his arm in the air before stating, “This way fellow partners in crime!” and then running down the hall, his cardboard ‘shell’ bouncing on his back as he ran.
“Shouldn’t it be partners in justice?” I yelled after him as we all ran after him.
“Whatever!” he cheerily shouted back at me.
When we got to the car we pumped up the radio and blasted our favorite songs to get us in the mood to as Emma drove us to the party. I noticed Bethany had taken quite a few swigs from her flask in the ten minute drive and I punched her in the arm telling her to “slow down and save some for the rest of us!” but she just smiled deviously at me and pulled the rest. My jaw dropped at that — she was never much of a heavy drinker — and she must have seen the surprise on my face because she told me to lighten up and then started to sing along with Adam to the song that was currently playing on the radio and telling us to lift our red solo cups in the air.
I thought about how much Bethany had already drank and seriously hoped she wasn’t going to keep that pace up all night or I’d wind up babysitting her all night since Emma bakırköy escort and Adam never seemed to be any good at taking care of drunk people and I really wanted to hook up with someone, I needed it or I wasn’t sure I could keep my unwanted feelings for Bethany at bay. So this is going to make me sound like a really bad friend but pretty much as soon as we showed up to the party I went off on my own to hunt for a guy.
It took me all of ten minutes to find someone and within an hour we had gone from harmless flirting to pretty seriously making out. He had me pushed up against a wall and I could feel his weight against mine as he ran his hands along my body and up my shirt. I’d always loved it when my partner was stronger than me so when he picked me up and carried me into a bedroom I basically lost what little inhibitions I still had and ended up fucking him until I was satisfied. I was actually impressed with how long he lasted, I was kind of worried it would be a two second affair as some college guys can be but we did it three times that night in countless positions. Afterwards he gave me his number and told me to call him and I left the room quite happy with myself feeling like I might have even found myself a boyfriend or at the very least a friend with benefits.
On my way down the stairs I passed some chick who was slumped against the wall and thought to myself poor girl, can’t handle her alcohol but I did a double take and noticed it was Bethany.
“Bethany!” I called to her as I bent down and took her hands in my face. “Bethany. Hey…hey look at me.” I repeated as her head lolled to the side and her glassy eyes made their way to mine holding my gaze for a few seconds before starting to roll back into her head.
“No, no no no no no! Come on stay with me” I begged her as I lightly hit her on the cheek trying to get her to stay conscious but my efforts were as wasted as she was. She threw up over herself and I decided I had to move, fast. So I called Emma on my cell real quick telling her to meet me at the car ASAP. Then I took her off her shirt as I’ve never been any good with vomit and the smell alone was already making me gag, and used a sleeve to clean off her face, talking to her the whole time trying to get her back to reality. Somehow I got her to stand and I threw her arm over my shoulder and started dragging her down the stairs.
Some guy whistled at us and yelled for me to take my top off too and I looked back at him and shouted “fuck you!” at him before turning my attention back to Bethany who had started to mumble something incoherent.
“What was that?” I asked her but she just gurgled something again and I decided to act like I heard her. “Oh yeah, yeah tell me more about that.” And she went on with whatever she was trying to say. I picked up a few words here and there but nothing of importance until I got her to the car and sat her in the back seat laying down with her head sticking out the door in case she threw up again.
“We’re gonna wait here until Emma comes and gives me the keys okay?” I would’ve added something like hun or sweetie as that’s generally what girls do when they’re comforting their friends but I’ve never been big on that, the closest I have to that is buddy and it didn’t seem appropriate at the time.
Anyways, after I said that she looked up at me and said the only sentence I could understand the entire night, “I don’t want Emma, I want you.” and then her head rolled back to the side and she threw up on the ground again.
Those seven words hit me like a bus. Surely she didn’t mean that the way I thought it did, and why was I even thinking that way? She had to have meant the she wanted me to take care of her not Emma as we all know Emma’s method of ‘taking care’ of people involved getting them to lay down somewhere başakşehir escort and giving them a bottle of motrin and a water bottle for when they wake up with a hangover the next day. Yeah, that had to have been what she meant.
Right when I convince myself that she had meant nothing sexual by that statement Emma showed up laughing loudly and leaning on some guy I didn’t recognize.
“Jamieeeee!” she greeted me like she was extremely happy to see me and I know she probably was considering her next comment she said with a pout. “Where have you been all night? I missed you boo!”
“I’m sorry I met this guy and –” she interrupted me with an excited squeal and started to ask me how he was but I was getting impatient and Bethany needed help so I just ignored her questions and promised her I would tell her all about it later but right now I just really needed her keys.
“Fine.” She pouted again and fished her keys from her pocket and held them out to me but jerked them back right before I grabbed them. “Wait, you can’t drive you’re drunk!” she declared and I rolled my eyes, now was not the time to be playing games, she knows I was the designated driver so I hadn’t had anything buy water since I got there.
“I haven’t drunk anything all night and I don’t have time for this, Bethany needs to get to a hospital!” I yelled at her but immediately felt bad about it because Emma looked to be on the verge of tears. “I’m sorry,” I added softly, “I didn’t mean to yell I just really need you to give me your keys like now.”
She mumbled an apology and said something about how she didn’t know as she handed me her keys. I thanked her and gave her a hug and told her to go have fun and poked her on the nose since I knew she loved it when people did that to her and her face lit up as she said “Ok!” and ran back to her boy toy. I sighed as I watched her, she was such a simple person I was almost jealous that I couldn’t just pass my problems on so quickly.
I turned back to Bethany and sat her up before laying her down again facing the other way and then hopped in the car and drove away from the party.
* * * *
Not much else happened that night, I drove her to the hospital, they did what they do whenever someone gets alcohol poisoning, and because of her fake I.D. she didn’t even get an MIP. I spent the night there and when she woke up the next morning the first thing she did was panic but I calmed her down. An hour later a nurse came in and said she could go home so we checker her out and drove back to the dorms. She apologized about a million times but I told her it was ok, it happens, don’t worry about it.
“Did I do anything stupid?” she asked me after a few minutes of silence.
“Besides streaking around the party and declaring your love for me? No not really.” I joked with her but when I looked over at her she looked at me with wide eyes and she looked almost scared. I quickly backtracked and laughed saying that I was kidding but she did throw up a few times. She seemed to relax after I said that but remained silent for the rest of the ride back.
After we got to the dorms we took the stairs and then went our separate ways to go to our rooms but before we parted she gave me a hug. It took me by surprise. Not that we’ve never hugged before, we actually do pretty often, I just wasn’t expecting it. She whispered a thank you in my ear before turning and walking through the door and out of the stairwell.
I stood there for a second thinking that there seemed to be an awful lot of weight behind that thank you but I was too tired to contemplate it so I just continued up the stairs. When I got to my room I flopped down on my bed and didn’t move for the next twelve hours. The next time I saw my friends we recounted what happened that night and we all laughed at the crazy stories but after that we didn’t mention that night for the rest of the semester. The only reminders were that I had now started to date the guy I met that night, his name is Ty, and occasionally I’ll have dreams about that night where I can hear her echo those seven words I don’t want Emma, I want you.
* * * *